People Don’t Change?

“People don’t change.” I was surprised recently to discover how many people believe this. Or at least how many people who post online dating profiles profess to believe this. These three words are one of most the common nostrums that appear when people summarize what they’ve learned from relationships. This disturbs me. Because it belies the reality of profound change that I have witnessed in many people’s lives. This view of human nature seems a great disrespect, for I have known so many incredibly courageous people who have transformed their lives from victims to survivors, turning from fear, insecurity, and self-loathing to love, joy, and self-confidence; from violence against the vulnerable to protectors of the vulnerable. They are ordinary people who, in taking the trauma and suffering that life dealt them or that they dealt to themselves and transforming it into life-giving love, became heroes of their own lives. Schooled by circumstances for death and destructiveness, they chose life and worked hard to become fully alive. I could name so many people who have done this, who have worked so hard all their lives to overcome destructive patterns they inherited or developed in order to become more and more alive, more and more loving. But most of these ordinary heroes remain invisible to the wider world, their profiles of courage known only to their intimate circle. They may or may not have degrees or other accomplishments or money or nice houses or high positions, but these are the people whom I respect most in life. They bear witness every day in their lives that no matter how low or dark or enslaved we find ourselves, we can change.

People do change. They change so radically they surprise themselves and others. Why close your heart to this possibility in another? Or in yourself? Why be so pessimistic about human nature? Yes, we get stuck in ruts. Yes, we keep making the mistakes over and over again. Yes, genuine change is difficult and it takes a long, long time and it requires trust and great courage and infusions of love and grace. But people do change. Instead of giving people the message that changing their selves or their lives is impossible, we should honor and celebrate the changes people have made and hold those up as encouragement.

But maybe those online romance hopefuls who assert “people don’t change” really do believe (or hope) human beings are capable of change and all they mean to say is this: “You can’t change another person.” That statement is true. Radical, life-transforming, enduring and sustainable change has to come from deep inside a person; it can’t come from outside. Anyone who has experience with addictive behavior of any kind knows this. But if that’s what they mean, that’s what they should say. Words matter—especially in relationships with other human beings.